I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
