He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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