I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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