i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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