ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
