Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
