2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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