I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Randomize
