Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
