WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
