the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
