I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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