Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
