My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
