My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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