Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
