we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
