I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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