I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
