how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
