Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
