I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You're like the curious george of whores
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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