how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
