So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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