You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
