my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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