he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
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