Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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