I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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