my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
