The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just want to make out with him forever
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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