I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
