I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
