I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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