I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
