good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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