im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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