he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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