You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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