saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
