um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
