Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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