Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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