I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
