Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Buhtt sex?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
