Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
