I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
