The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
