I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
