There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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