I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
