fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
