So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
