my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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