I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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