I'll bet she douches with gravy.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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