Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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