did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
